


Alice in Bonerland

by Quandisa



Series: Fairy Tales for Lesbians [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Established Relationship, F/F, Fairy Tale Retellings, Naked Reenie for no reason, Sexual Roleplay, Table Sex, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 19:43:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13747929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quandisa/pseuds/Quandisa
Summary: Little Zandy-Alice found herself is a strange new land without her underwear. Now she chases a pussy cat to find her way back through the hole.





	Alice in Bonerland

Once upon a time little Zandy-Alice was laying under an apple tree studying to get into law school.

“Who lays down to study?”

“Hush!”

The sun was hot, almost as hot as Zandy-Alice in her short skirt and garters, so she grew weary of her studies and started to play with herself.

“No, she didn’t. Get to the rabbit!”

Fine! But one day… out from a rose bush, came a little bunny with a sexy monocle worrying about being late.

“Ooo, next time you should be a bunny girl!”

“I’m not wearing that ridiculous outfit!”

“Are you wearing underwear?”

“Sorta defeats the purpose of this exercise, doesn’t it?”

“Sweet, I win again.”

“You’re narrating out loud while pulling a stuffed rabbit down the hallway!”

“Winning all day and all night.”

Anyway, Zandy-Alice followed the rabbit through the forest into a cave that lead to an enchanting Wonderland of wonderment.

“Wonderland of wonderment, glad that writing class paid off.”

“Criticize all you want, I’m planting in your rose garden all night long.”

“You’re impossible.”

Zandy-Alice was amazing by all the wonders that her eyes beheld.

“Oh, wow, a ball gag. So wondermental.”

“You’re not even trying.”

“This is stupid.”

“Hush.”

Spying on the luscious Zandy-Alice was the Cheshire cat, lounging in a tree, with her shiny, sleek coat.

“Oh ho! A stranger in our land! A fine looking one at that.” The cat swished her tail, and groomed her whiskers.

“Why are you naked?”

“Cats don’t where clothes.”

“Why are you in the swing?”

“It was the closest thing we have to a tree in here. Now,” Zareen went back to her cat voice,” what to you want little Zandy-Alice.”

“I want my wife to take off her cat ears and get back on the bed.”

“Character!”

“Fine! Oh kitty-thing, I want to go back home. There are some child labor laws that need changing.”

“Oh, but the way back is long and perilous. You should stay here and have tea. It’s all perfectly mad.” The cat rolled onto her back, keeping her grin.

“I don’t want tea, I want to go home. And maybe rub your fluffy belly.”

“Well, you’re out of luck. All ways belong to the Queen.”

“You should get a democracy up in here.”

“They’re mostly for show. Now, you just go where your high-top sneaker sneak, and don’t forget your head.” The cat disappeared leaving only a smile behind.

“You just ran out the room.”

“No, I didn’t!”

Filled with despair, the sexy Zandy was about to have panic attack, but was distracted by a familiar cottontail ran by, catching her eye. Compelled by the mystery, she followed it to a clearing in the forest where a most unusual tea party was underway. 

“You didn't mean wonderful?”

Quiet you.

“Hello and welcome to our Un-birthday party. Topless is optional.” 

“Aren’t you just the cat in a coat?”

“I’m the Maddening Hatter. Care for some tea?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s wine, but sure.”

Losing her blouse-

“The blouse stayed on, so did everything else and Alice-!”

“Zandy-Alice!”

“Sat down at the table like a normal person!”

“So Zandy-Alice, my voluptuous dear, what brings you to our little part of the cube?”

“Well, I was chasing after this rabbit-”

“Chasing tail. Got cha. But you know, that bunny is awfully uptight; could never enjoy the finer things in life. For example, good tea, fine wine, and the way candle light enhances the beauty of woman as fair as yourself.”

“Do you know where that rabbit went?”

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. The tea’s gone to my head. I need some reminding.” 

“How about a hard slap on the mouth?”

“How about a kiss?” 

“Fine.” Zandy-Alice pecked the hatter on the lips.

“I need more reminding.” The hatter dragged Zandy-Alice into her lap, rubbing her way up Zandy’s teal skirt. “Oh! You were in such a rush you forgot your bloomers.” 

“You know very well I didn’t.” She toyed with the choker around the blonde’s neck.

“Oh? Little Zandy-Alice was hoping for a naughty encounter with a rabbit?” Her slightly chilled ass was rubbed and squeezed. 

“Hardly, I prefer pussy cats.”

The blonde closed her eyes. “Say pussy again.”

“Pretty, bald, pussy cats.”

“To think you were bottling up all those lovely words. 

“Alright, rabbit. Did it have long curved ears?”

“You know it did.”

“Mmm, I think I seen it. Try the tea pot.”

“Why would a rabbit be in the teapot?”

“How is a raven like a writing desk? Nobody knows and nobody cares. We all just want some action.”

Zandy-Alice huffed, leaned over and lifted the dainty lid. 

“You know God damn well this isn't what I was talking about!” She held aloft a candy pink rabbit viborator to the glee of all in attendance. 

“It may be the March Hare, marching towards your hair.” The Hatter was rudely bonked on the head with the dildo.

“I’m not into threesomes.”

“Have you tried-”

“No threesomes!”

“I can’t remember where your bunny went. So why not let the March Hare here, play peek-a-boo with your hole and maybe she’ll remember?”

“Since when is a phallus female?”

“Get with the 18th century, Zandy-Alice.”

“This is all an elaborate ploy to have sex on the table, isn't it?”

“These things do not concern a maddening hatter.” The hatter plopped Zandy-Alice on the table and slipped the head of the dildo against the hood of her sex and flipped it on. 

“And why should hatter care about a rabbit getting into a hole?” Tilting her head as the hatter pulled down her sleeve to kiss her shoulder.

“I’m a humanitarian.”

“The foulest of humans.” She slapped the hand at her neckline away.

“Hey! What gives?! I’m just gonna nibble your crumpets!”

“Exactly, I don’t know you sir!”

“What’s tea without crumpets?!”

“What’s tea without tea?!”

“... You have a bad attitude, Zandy-Alice. I’ma gonna fix it.” A bottle of lube was brought out and it’s contents slapped onto the vibrator. 

“At least I’m serious.”

“Seriously mad. Lean back, little Zandy-Alice.”

“I do worry about you sometimes.” She fell back onto her elbows so that the dildo could be gently worked in her moist place.

“What? I have a cutie I get to read her tea leaves all night. We only have one life time together and I have so many things I want to do with you.”

“You mean you have a sex bucket list and you’re stuck with me.”

The silicon was teased back and forth.

“That’s right, I’m stuck with the greatest win in lottery history.”

“Boob lottery.” Her eyes were growing large and dewy.

“Yes, and I’m to collect my prize.” The blonde thumb pressed into the tiny tented fabric over the brunette's bust.

“Over the clothes, Maddening Hatter.”

The thrusting reached a production pace. The blonde traced the woman’s ear with her lips. 

“Why do I feel you’re hiding something from me?” Her voice was deep with a teasing edge.

“Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Fact is, you’re not my pussy cat, so I don’t want to share my crumpets and tea with you.”

The blonde chuckled as the lady strained and then relaxed on the table. “You pick the oddest ways to stay in character.”

“You pick the oddest ways to have sex.”

“I’m creative!”

With that the Maddening Hatter and the March Hare left to get more biscuits, leaving a debauched Zandy-Alice confused and aroused on the table. Just when she was going to explore the teapot some more the super anal rabbit dashed by checking his watch and biting his non-exist nails. 

“So did you just agree on a story in your head and reality is just another victim?”

“What’s your line?!”

“Oh gee, that poor stuffed bunny was bashed into the wall. I better go check on it.”

Zandy-Alice followed the twisting forest path as it morphed into a rose bush maze. Lost and near tears she found a mirror in the center of the maze.

“You mean our bedroom. Reenie, why is there a mirror with a crown in the middle of our room?”

“Congratulations!” The cat stepped out from behind the mirror. “You’ve found the queen of hearts!”

“You?”

“No, I’m the Knave that stole the queen’s tartes.” 

The cat held Zandy-Alice’s shoulder. 

“Look closer.”

“Oh, it’s me. Which show did you steal that one from?”

“It doesn’t matter. Zandy-Alice is the queen of hearts, ruler of Wonderland and all it’s inmates, save one.”

“And which one dares defy the queen?” She turned to face the mischievous cat.

“None other than I, your hotness. The Cheshire Cat and the Knave. There are no law I can’t defy. What do you plan to do with me, Queen?”

“Who rules with the queen?”

“None, your bootiousness.”

“Then, I hereby abolish the monarchy. A parliament of fairly elected officials shall tend to the people of this land. And you, kitty, shall be devoured.”

“You’re gonna eat me alive?”

“Yup, while you pay me back all the frustration with satisfaction.” 

The blonde was walked back to the bed.

“The queen speaks in riddles. How can a cat please a queen while being eaten alive.”

“You’re the creative one.” The blonde was shoved onto the bed. “You figure it out.”

The kitty-eared woman was straddled and watched as Zandy-Alice removed her costume and then ripped the cat ears off. Turning she lowered her head and sucked hard on the crest of the blonde’s mound.

“Oh, that’s what you mean! A snake consuming tail, Ouroboros! You’ll eat me up and all will be left is you, and I’ll eat you up, so all that’s left is me!”

“Stop with your Carroll logic! The ears are off the play is over.”

And it was that the queen devoured the cat, who devoured the queen. And little Zandy-Alice brought peace to the land of Wonder, and found she was a lesbian because she liked the taste of pussy.

**Author's Note:**

> So...  
> Yup.  
> Sorry.  
> Hopefully the switching back and forth on the narrators wasn't too confusing. I tried to establish early on it was Reenie talking as various characters. The tonal shift threw me when I first wrote it.  
> I am a big fan of the original work had have studied it in hopes of creating my own version (it will never happen) so I hope that some elements here are Carroll-like. Wasn't trying for the full Carroll as the dream-like logic he uses would make smut confusing.   
> Bonus points if spotted this Alice costume is the maid uniform from Roommates. Reenie holds on to costumes because it reminds her of sex and makes her sentimental. That's also the sex swing from WTF. Ah my continuities are combining! Ouroboros indeed.


End file.
